Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

im 7 sauces long

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements