Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…