Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

#ParentingFacts

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.