Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

we all know this pain all too well

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found