Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed