Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.