Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

ㅤ

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there