Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Single and childfree like Jesus

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.