“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Uh oh 👀
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3