Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

😂💯

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.