Knock Knock
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Hello Twits.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.