Knock Knock
You Might Also Like
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine