*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter.

Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.


Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate


My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.


The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.


Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it


4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?


The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.


Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.