@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

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@MicheleAKALips

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

@thestlouisan

[1340]
Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

[2017]
Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon

@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

@joshxhowie

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@daemonic3

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.