The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles