@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@dadsrpeopletoo

1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter.

Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@david8hughes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@Adam14

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.