Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

The median voter

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Finally!

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Good morning y’all ☀️

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.