Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available