Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Stop.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.