Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.