*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*gets down on one knee*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out