Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

⚰

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

estão todos miauvindo?

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.