Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

🤣

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

And then there were 4

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?