*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
You Might Also Like
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.