Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1639563036020146180/pu/vid/1280x592/3sz3NhJY9IwzQVCa.mp4?tag=12

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.