Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Meowchelangelo