Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)