“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.