Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mind

You just read my mind

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I am thick and tired. 🙄

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.