Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”