“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You Might Also Like
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Challenge accepted.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.