My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Wikigenius
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Mmmm canned fish.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO