Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

when someone rings the doorbell

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol