“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
the zen of frog
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Damn what did I do next
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My recliner and I go way back
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.