“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”![]()
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
notice
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Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol