Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

#winning

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.