[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
You Might Also Like
God, I love Scotland
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit