[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee