Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

me as a parent

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.