[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
