Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Uh oh 👀

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts