[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
