Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Yep.

Name another movie that mislead you?

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

I am HOWLING at this

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers