Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

why would tinder want me to say this

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

I’m not lazy

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Finally, an explanation.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.