*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
You Might Also Like
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should