knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
fourth time’s the charm
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!