knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.