Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

I am having an out of money experience.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”