Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

That earthquake could have been an email.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

this is uni

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”