[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Worst bar ever.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
😂😂
Oh thanks BBC.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Mood.. 😂
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.