Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

How to draw a duck

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Hello Twits.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Warm pools make me nervous.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.