Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Jupiter –

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Beware of fowl play.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.