Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

i wish i could marry a nap

next question.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.