Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course