Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

all that yoga finally paid off

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.