Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.