Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

I put the I in Insufferable.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.