Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Bros before Ohioes

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

thinking about a very short hotdog

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.