Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

🐿️

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

looks legit

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

certified hallow’s eve classic

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.