Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close