Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

I didn’t come here to be called names

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.