Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

I’m calling the cops.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

bad news gang

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.