*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
You Might Also Like
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.