*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.