*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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Education is vital
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER