Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.