“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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priest: you must atone with a hail mary
quarterback: howd you get in the huddle
So basically life is cancelled
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?