@GroovyTasia

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

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@AdderallMomma

“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer

-The Termintator

@linkindrinkin

priest: you must atone with a hail mary

quarterback: howd you get in the huddle

@Gen22

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@est1975blog

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

@TweetPotato314

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

@threetimedaddy

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?