*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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*limbos under the caution tape
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.