*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.