*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies