*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
These are my roll models.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.