*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Good morning
The big book of baby names but for safe words
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring