Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

😂🐈‍⬛

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

😞

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.