[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.