Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.