[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
