*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
time machine? you mean a clock?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.