*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Cake!!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My new favorite headline
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
so this horse walks into a bar
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.