Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?