Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.