[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips