Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Woke up against my better judgement again

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.