Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything