*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*launders Kohls cash*
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.