*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo