*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Breaking news:
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.